


when under ether

by jessamoo



Category: Silent Witness (TV)
Genre: Depression, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-02-03
Packaged: 2018-03-10 06:19:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3279920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessamoo/pseuds/jessamoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>set after 'a guilty mind'. After Nikki gets jealous she goes to a club, with only one goal: forget</p>
            </blockquote>





	when under ether

She didn’t take those tablets.

At least, not today.

Sometimes, even though she wanted desperately not to need them, sometimes she did.

Sometimes it felt like it had all those months ago.

Like her soul was heavier, and like the impending blackness that she tried to keep at bay spilled forth, felling everything in its path, her heart and mind and body, with no end.

And so she took the tablets the doctors gave her, and felt better, for a little while.

 

But, as mentioned, today she did not take them.

Today she needed them, but she did not consume.

She projected.

 

Seeing him with that woman, whoever she was – a police officer probably (she hadn’t been listening properly, she’d been paying attention to how he was looking at the tall, dark haired woman, with her shoulders straight and her life in check.) It hurt her. Because she and him, her Harry, they were best friends. Occasional rescuers/doctors/comforters/enemies, but best friends. More than that, more than anything, they were meant for each other. She didn’t think that all the time, but it was obvious to everyone else, and they told her so.

So she wasn’t being crazy (this point must be stressed as much as possible. This was not her crazy. That would come later. This was the truth.)

 

But She was acting like a jealous bitch, but really, for reasons already stated, she had a right too.

She’d simply nodded to agree with him, or said ‘hmm’ at random intervals, rather than actually engage in a conversation with him. She made him notice something was wrong, to see if he’d ask what. Then, when he did, she simply said ‘nothing.’

A selfish mind game, if ever she’d seen one. But in her current state, ‘mind’ wasn’t really a high priority. Mostly because she felt like she was losing hers.

 

She felt so tired when they day ended. When she was bad, when she got like this, it was like she couldn’t handle the level of her own thoughts, and the made her head hurt and the constant humming and stream of consciousness was awful. It made her sick to her core.

 

In her delicate mindset, she decided, as she left work, that this was largely down to Harry. (Tomorrow she would just blame herself, but for now, it was all on him.)

And so, in a strange, vain way of trying to spite him, she decided she would not go home.

 

She’d go to a grimy little club. And she’d dance in the heat of the night, and slink along the walls, tossing her long hair about like a wild thing.

She was currently doing just that.

 

She didn’t know what time it was, except that it was very late. Sometimes random tears fell from her eyes for no reason, and sometimes she had to sit down. But then she got right back up again.

She had a task to accomplish.

And, that task was very simple.

Forget.

Forget everything. Forget her own name. And forget him.

 

She needed not to be alone though. She needed someone to help her.

She needed someone that didn’t look like him.

So she danced with the first woman she saw. Because they were always there in her periphery, always calling to some secret half of her, like sirens on a rock.

And tonight she let them drown her.

 

She couldn’t hear the music, only the sound of the woman’s breathing.

She looked up, squinting through the flashing red lights of the club.

For a split second she saw Naomi.

 

She stumbled away, scared out of her bones.

When she looked again, she saw a stranger.

The stranger was short with blonde hair. But she wasn’t her nightmare girl.

She wasn’t her dark thing.

But she still decided she didn’t want this new woman.

 

She turned away drearily. And saw the perfect candidate.

She stared at her from under her eyelashes, in that dark seductive way that she knew only women able to do.

The woman saw her looking, and smiled slowly. She flicked her long red hair over her shoulder, keeping eye contact.

 

The two women met each other on the dance floor. And then, about half an hour later, they met each other in her bed.

 

The woman’s skin was soft. Each of their hands roamed the other freely. For the first proper time today she let herself go, and it was beautiful.

She didn’t think about anything or anyone except them. The electricity in her fingertips, and lower down. Their atoms and molecules, once unique, were now the same. They were in complete togetherness (“She is me and I am she and we are all together.”). It was like they were a single entity, drifting in time and space, beyond logic and beyond reason. Beyond any reasonable doubt. “Beyond the sea.” And all its sailors and scientists.

 

Then, in the morning, she saw him. She looked like, and felt like shit. But she saw him, and he smiled at her like it was normal.

She smiled back, and the strains of yesterday went away. She’d forgiven everything and moved onto the self loathing stage. (Especially seen as she’d just mumbled as the red haired woman had left this morning. She wasn’t always very nice to people in the morning, it seemed.)

She only felt guilty about the woman though. The woman had been used to help soothe the pain of what she’d seen as rejection. And it worked. She could go back to being fine with Harry.

 

She rose from her desk to get a book, and Harry stopped her.

“Nikki you dropped this.”

He held out a folded up napkin to her. She didn’t recognise it. Then, just under the fold she saw the red cherries – the logo of the club. She blushed and went to retrieve it, before Harry read –

“Call me, J. There’s a number on here too.”

“Yes that must be mine.” She mumbled and quickly took it from him, not meeting his eye.

“Who’s J?”

Nikki paused for a long time. Images of her previous night floated through her mind. She could remember every second of it.

“I don’t know...I think that was the point.”

“Do you know anyone you sleep with?” Harry teased.

Nikki smiled and couldn’t stop herself from saying “No. Maybe that's why I know you so well.”

Harry looked up and watched her as she walked away, a confused expression on his face.

 

But still, he paid no mind to it.

They had both had crazy days yesterday.

What mattered was that they were better.

And together again.

But Nikki looked out the window, imagining she could taste cherries on her lips.


End file.
